It is up to you to learn to be more assertive in order to meet your needs. Set limits. Take charge of your life where and when you can. The benefit of practicing assertiveness skills is stress reduction. If you’ve never learned this skill and are unsure how to be assertive, read on. This is a step-by-step guide to becoming assertive.

One way to manage stress is to speak up and be assertive. People cannot read your mind, even though you wish they could. It is up to you to learn to be more assertive in order to meet your needs. Set limits. Take charge of your life where and when you can. The benefit of practicing assertiveness skills is stress reduction.

Evaluate the situation.

Do you really want to do what is being asked? Do you like the way things are going? Do you need to speak up because you are bothered? If you don’t speak out, will you feel resentful, upset, anxious, down, etc.? Decide if this is time to speak up.

Timing is important.

Decide when you need to address the issue. Should you speak up immediately or do you need time to think about how you feel and the consequences of addressing the situation? Perhaps you want to organize your thoughts or decide if you are reacting to the right issue. Perhaps you need to build courage. Knowing when to confront is important. For example, asserting yourself when your spouse is drifting off to sleep or confronting an alcoholic when he or she is not sober is seldom productive. Time your confrontation. Choose a moment that is conducive to being heard and getting a response.

Identify the problem.

Be specific. Don’t expect others to read your mind or magically guess your distress. Say exactly what the problem is and how it is affecting you.

Say how you feel.

No one causes you to feel things. You allow yourself to feel things. Don’t blame others. For example, instead of saying, “You make me mad when you come home late,” say, “l get upset when you come home late.” The purpose is to communicate the feeling (from your point of view) associated with the behavior.

State what resolution you desire.

This is the tough but important part. You need to know what you want and what you believe would help the situation. For example, “I would like you to call me if you are going to be late. I hope you will try to make it home by 7 o’clock each evening.” It is important to communicate a solution or desire so that the other person has an idea of how to remedy the problem. This doesn’t guarantee they’ll do what you request, but at least you’ve communicated what would help. You can negotiate from there.

Next time you feel stressed because you failed to be assertive, practice this skill. It will get easier the more you do it. The result will be a happier you!